When All Else Fails
by Aslan and Krac
Summary: In the wake of the disaster called BTVS season four the PTB send in a clean up crew-who make an even bigger mess.


When all Else Fails  
  
Prologue: We Meet Our heroines  
  
Crashing curtains of rain fell on and around the small southern California town of Sunnydale. Jagged bolts of blue lightning carved the dark sky, pregnant with sinister possibility. A large bolt of red lightning struck the ground like a hammer causing the earth to shake as it hadn't since Rita McNeil last danced the jig. When the fearsome light dissipated a young woman with light brown hair was left standing alone in the middle of a large crater with a dumbfounded expression upon her pale face.  
  
The suddenly silent night was rocked as she realized exactly where she was and all that had occurred, "SON OF A BITCH!" As her voice ricocheted off the cavernous darkness in which she stood, the strange red lightning flashed again, and a body tumbled from the heavens above, flames trailing behind it like the fiery tail of a comet. Landing with a thud, the blue- haired figure screeched and ran about madly.  
  
"I'm on fire! Those Assholes set my ass on fire!"  
  
It continued to dance from foot to foot finally recognizing the other being who watched the frantic dance with intense blue eyes and an impossible smirk on her usually serious face. When she spoke the mirth in her voice was unmistakable… "Stop, drop and roll, damn it!" It called out merrily. Hey, it wasn't her ass on fire.  
  
But the flaming dance continued. With a long-suffering sigh she approached the dancer, pushed the short girl backwards hard with splayed hands upon shoulders, into a nearby drainage ditch. Dropping a patently insincere "Oops!" from her lips as the dancer was consumed by an overabundance of filthy, fetid water.  
  
Bright blue hair well coated in sewage bobbed upwards and the head it was attached to soon followed. Shouting obscenities in two different languages it paused to spit out a half eaten ham sandwich, which only served to make the creature howl even louder in revulsion and rage.  
  
"Pork! They put pork in my mouth! Not just meat but PORK!" The woman watching from the shore grinned. Never before had she known anyone who could pronounce the word pork like it was an evil worse than death. As if to have it in one's mouth was akin to making a meal of feces or maggots. But the bobbing head continued in its righteous tirade. "They put Pork in my mouth! Pork in my mouth and they set my ASS on FIRE! God Damn it!"  
  
Then the flashing blue eyes almost perfectly matching the shade of her hair caught sight of the tall woman standing untouched before her. "Why the hell did you push me into a freaking puddle of sewage? This is California for crying out loud! God knows what could be in here…With me! Ewww! Speaking of which, something just rubbed up against my leg! Pull me out! NOW!" The girl's voice reached a panicked pitch as she scrambled to get out of the hole she'd been so unceremoniously pushed into moments before.  
  
Her companion heaved a sigh and knelt down… "Give me your hand, it's YOUR fault we're in this mess anyway!"  
  
As the shorter woman finally set foot on solid ground, she scrubbed a hand through her dirty hair and then took off her Buddy Holly glasses, attempting to wipe them on her sodden shirt. When that didn't work she grabbed the hem of her partner's shirt and used it to clean her dirty lenses, earning a disgusted glare from the other woman, who then pulled her shirt back and gave a very loud 'Ewww' as her fingers came in contact with the wet stickiness that now marred her favorite shirt.  
  
"Skank!" The older girl hissed huffily.  
  
"You pushed me into that shit, brainiac! Remember?" The blue-haired girl dismissed grinning. "And how pray tell is this…" She threw her hands out indicating the predicament they now found themselves in… "My fault? Who exactly accused the Powers That Be of being inbred retards who couldn't see past their own crossed eyes?"  
  
The dark haired woman laughed softly, "So why wasn't my ass on fire, and who could forget the pork…"  
  
The shorter woman cried out plaintively. "It's the filter! God damn it! They took my filter! I can't help myself! Besides YOU started it! You! You always start it!" The girl pointed sharply at the brunette shaking a slender finger level with her nose. "I just finished it!" She huffed. "Besides, we both know they'd already decided to send us here before I even opened my mouth! They like torturing us like this! Wanna bet they're up there right now laughing their asses off at us!"  
  
"Maybe, but hey we're partners, in it for the long haul just like…" The dark haired woman began.  
  
"Ack!" The blue haired fury wrung out her sopping shirt and pulled the slick wetness away from her body. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence Aslan, or I will open up a long overdue can of Whup-ass on you."  
  
Aslan smiled indulgently, she was used to her friend's temper, "Fine, I won't say that we're connected like Xena and Gabrielle, but without the lesbian overtones. But it's your loss… Not like you listen to me anyway!"  
  
Still attempting to dry herself off, Krac frowned. "Has anyone ever told you that you watch far, far too much TV? It's not healthy at all. And besides you NEVER say anything I want to hear! Krac, don't do that! Krac, don't say that! Krac, what were you thinking? If I wanted a Mother I would've kept the one I had, thanks anyway!" Krac pouted.  
  
"Oh really? So whose ass was just on fire? Yours or mine? Enlighten me please! Because I don't remember landing down here in a fiery heap. I've told you before, it's okay to insult their intelligence, or even their genealogy, but you never, ever bring up penis size! Or mention the many ways in which Viagra could enhance their 'rather lackluster' sexual performance…Although, I must admit that was rather funny, I've never seen an almighty, supernatural being turn so red before. I've never seen the PTB get so worked up…You'll be lucky if you get out of this with all your parts intact, Krac."  
  
Krac waved a sodden hand in Aslan's face, flinging droplets everywhere. "Again…. Filter-Gone! Taken from me! It's not my fault!" Krac groused, ruminating on her last punishment handed down by the PTB…In her opinion they were bastards.  
  
"Well, look on the bright side! At least they can't take your filter again, right?" Aslan smiled brightly, trying to reassure…or rub it in…She wasn't quite sure.  
  
They had removed the filter between Krac's brain and her mouth, which resulted in the girl stating whatever, was on her mind at any time. No matter how tactless, embarrassing or horrible…without the filter, everything came out…Causing no end of trouble for both women because wherever Krac went, Aslan was bound to follow. Her punishment for her own transgressions was to take care of Krac-Forever. It required a maximum amount of patience and commitment, which Aslan indubitably lacked.  
  
"Right, way to make me feel better! How come nothing is ever your fault? Why can't you ever admit to being wrong? You started this, but I end up in trouble! Where, oh where is the justice in this world?"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Aslan raised an eyebrow; "By the way, that's a big hole in your pants! Ugh, never pictured you for a 'thong' girl…Is that another tattoo? Cover it up now before I go blind from the horror!"  
  
"They were a gift!" Krac sulked, "The walking asshole gave them to me!"  
  
Aslan surveyed their situation; "I don't know which is worse, the fact that you're wearing a thong or that you're actually dating him…Ewww!" She growled then heaved a heavy-hearted sigh. "This sucks! You don't even have any damn pants, we have no weapons…"  
  
"Not even a sex slave! Where's Nate when you need him?" Krac tried to pull the charred ends of her pants together to preserve her modesty-but it was of no avail.  
  
Aslan gaped. "Nate? He's a sex slave? Uh oh, I've been beating him until he cried like a little girl. I thought he was a training dummy!"  
  
"Well, you got the dummy part right!" Krac exclaimed wiping off her glasses she shoved them back onto her nose. "No wonder he's been asking me to beat him like a redheaded stepchild!"  
  
"What can I say, I have that effect on men." Aslan replied grinning sheepishly.  
  
"Ooh, Power good! But that still doesn't help us now! We're in shithole California with nothing but our charming personalities, our eternal youth and a list comprised of the names of people we were sent here to kill!" Krac cried.  
  
Aslan winced. "We're in big trouble!"  
  
Suddenly Krac looked at her Watcher as though Aslan was the reincarnation of one of those Whipper-Snapples she always craved.  
  
Aslan glanced behind her warily, and then sighed in resignation. "What?"  
  
Krac smiled the very image of evil. "Ask 'The Leigh' for help." She pushed.  
  
"No, I'm not asking any of the PTB for help or anything else!" Aslan declared emphatically.  
  
"Please Aslan! You know he'd do anything for you!"  
  
Aslan grimaced, feeling suddenly sick to her stomach. "Krac!" She implored anxiously.  
  
"You're my Watcher! You're supposed to take care of me. Ask? Pretty please!" Krac responded in a calculated wheedling tone.  
  
Aslan sighed, clearly defeated. "What do I say?"  
  
"Weapons, money and one pair of Versace black leather pants!" Krac cried excitedly.  
  
"Versace? Your pants aren't Versace! Do they even make black leather pants?"  
  
"Who cares! I need pants! And the PTB are paying for them!"  
  
Aslan growled but sent out her silent plea to 'The Leigh' and PTB headquarters.  
  
Seconds later, they knew their request was being fulfilled. In another flash of scarlet light a bundle was dropped from the heavens above.  
  
"Alright!" Krac cried excitedly, "Versace!"  
  
But her enthusiasm lasted about as long as Liz Taylor's last marriage when she poked her way through the pile before her. "What the hell is this? Did you ask for weapons or food? And these are so not Versace! They're not even leather!"  
  
Aslan squinted. "Is that Salami?"  
  
"Yes! I'm a vegetarian! What is up with their obsession with meat? Are they trying to starve me or what? I'm hungry too!"  
  
"Ooh, I think this is your penis joke coming back to bite us in the ass, Krac!"  
  
"What?" Krac replied.  
  
"Think about it? Salami…?" Aslan pushed blushing fiercely.  
  
"What? Oh…Ooh, shit!" Aslan nodded as Krac finally put it all together.  
  
"For someone with such a dirty mind, it took you awhile to get that!" Aslan grinned. Then she began to examine the pile too. A small piece of paper stuck out at an angle, begging to be read. Aslan complied, picking up the paper she gaped as the words took shape before her eyes. "Uh oh! We really pissed them off this time Krac! This is all we get to complete the mission. And what the hell is a Yoda launcher, anyway?"  
  
"How can they expect us to be taken seriously with a large salami as our weapon?" Krac yanked off her ruined pants and began to crawl into the pseudo-Versace's. "Hey!" She slipped a hand into the back pocket of her new pants and removed a small packet. Written on it in careful lettering was the disclaimer… 'Contains one Hellhound. Use at your own risk.'  
  
Aslan began to gather their meager possessions together, so they could be on their way and out of this storm sooner rather than later.  
  
"See!" Krac cried in excitement. "They've given us a hellhound! We can do this! It'll be no worse than that time we had to kill all the English teachers with nothing but a pencil and a rolled up newspaper!"  
  
Aslan groaned… "Great, a bloody hellhound. Shoot me now! Okay, let's say I agree with you, see Yay! Let's just get going okay?"  
  
Krac nodded and grabbed her bag, "Yeah, and look they even sent sunblock for me! Now I don't have to worry about the nasty California sun." Her moods often changed as quickly as her hair colour.  
  
Aslan cast a wary eye at the sky. "I think the California 'sun' is the least of our problems…Right now I'm worried more about drowning to death and where we're going to sleep tonight, okay?"  
  
"Right, let's go then." Krac grinned. "Our adventure awaits!"  
  
Aslan laughed, "If I'd known that getting sunblock made you this happy, I'd have bought you a whole case centuries ago! You sure as hell would be easier to deal with!"  
  
Krac stuck her tongue out at her Watcher and then slung her backpack onto her shoulder, indicating to the dark-haired woman that she was to lead the way.  
  
The two mismatched women walked slowly towards the town of Sunnydale- There was much to do and little time to do it in.  
  
  
  
1 Part One: On with The Carnage  
  
As the screaming finally died down Krac combed chunks of cheese out of her hair. She then turned to her Watcher and grinned proudly. "Four down, and four to go!"  
  
Aslan nodded sagely, "The cheese is almost done…Will you be able to handle the salami?"  
  
Krac glared. "Of course I can handle it!"  
  
Aslan nodded. "I didn't mean anything by it, but I know how you feel about meat…I didn't want to offend your Vegetarian sensibilities or anything."  
  
"Okay." Krac replied.  
  
"Cool then?" Aslan asked softly.  
  
"Yep, we're cool." Krac replied grinning. "Thanks though."  
  
Aslan nodded again. "Okay, let's head out."  
  
They left the mutilated remains of several big steroid enhanced Army guys in fatigues in a pile below a palm tree and the watchful eye of the burning California sun.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Wiping circles slowly across the bar Willy the Snitch was extremely bored. The bells above the door jingled and jangled his last nerve, signaling a customer's arrival.  
  
"Ladies!" He grinned lecherously as two women walked into the bar together. They were almost complete opposites. One tall, dark haired and serious…the other shorter, with blue hair and a dangerously mischievous sparkle to her attentive eyes. She seemed to miss nothing in a very unhealthy way…It reminded him of something or someone that he couldn't seemed to place.  
  
"Are you Willy?" The dark haired girl asked.  
  
Willy smiled. "I can be whoever you want me to be,"  
  
Quickly, the blue-haired girl grabbed the back of his head and smashed it into the bar…and suddenly he remembered whom she reminded him of…The Slayer… but she was smarter than the Slayer. Not that it would be difficult, he thought to himself as he tried to ignore the pain. Shit, he was in so much trouble.  
  
"Just answer the freaking question, Knob! Are you Willy or not?" Krac snarled.  
  
"Yeah, that's me!" He cried out, not even the Slayer was this rough with him.  
  
"Krac, that makes him number five." Aslan smiled pleasantly and handed her protégé the salami.  
  
Rubbing her hands together Krac refused the salami. "No, I think we should use the hellhound this time." She pulled a tiny foil wrapped pouch from her pocket and tried to open it.  
  
Willy waited patiently for five minutes as she struggled with the small package. Finally her partner gave an exasperated sigh and tore the packet from the blue-haired girl's hands.  
  
"Hey!" Krac cried out indignantly.  
  
Aslan just threw her a glare and began to pull on the packet herself, getting no further than Krac had moments before. When she too had no luck opening the package she glanced up at Willy, and smiled sweetly. "Can we get some scissors and a glass of water, please?"  
  
"Sure." Willy blinked And retrieved the sought after items rapidly depositing them solemnly before the dark-haired girl…The one who seemed to have some intelligence and humanity still lurking behind her steady blue/green eyes.  
  
She nodded, then cut off the top of the foil package and removed a brown pellet. Krac reverently took the pellet and set it on the floor. Aslan took the water and poured it over the pellet, stepping back drastically as she did so. At first nothing happened but then the pellet began to grow and shake spastically. Before long a large slobbering dog stood before them fearsome in it's height and size but for its face, which was stretched into a silly doggy grin…until it caught sight of Willy.  
  
Then the hellhound glared menacingly at the slimy barkeeper and began to advance upon him slowly, growling raggedly the whole way. The dog was all muscle, pitch black with gleaming golden brown highlights…And its eyes were fierce. As the massive monster glared him down, Willy felt like he was staring into the bowels of hell itself. But this hell was not burning…It was icy cold and full of a hatred so intense he had never seen it's like before. Willy felt the uncomfortable sensation of his own bowels collapsing in the face of the horrid hellhound and it's righteous vengeance.  
  
Krac read the package slowly out loud, "It's name is Zeus...all we do is give it commands," the blue haired punk grinned wickedly and raised an eyebrow, "Get him Puppy! Give him KISSES!"  
  
Willy was knocked to the floor as the massive hound descended upon him tongue wagging happily. Then Willy forgot everything else as he began to scream, and scream and scream.  
  
"Kisses!" Aslan cried disgusted. "Kisses?" Then she threw a glance at the terrified barkeep, before turning back to their new hellhound. "Good god, even he doesn't deserve that kind of punishment. How about we just beat him with the salami for awhile?"  
  
But it was too late for that, as the dog had already commenced with the doggy kissage…  
  
"Eww...Doggy kisses. Just imagine how dirty his mouth is!"  
  
"Willy's?" Krac asked frowning. "The poor dog."  
  
"No, the dog's!" Aslan yelped.  
  
"It is from hell," Krac offered, "Not much to do there but lick yourself."  
  
Krac couldn't hold back her laughter as she watched the disgust that made it self plainly known upon her Partner's face. "Actually dogs have very clean mouths...I heard it somewhere." At the frown from her partner Krac shrugged. "What? It's true. Besides I'd still rather the dog over Willy here." Krac shivered, "I'd rather the Walking Asshole."  
  
"EWW! You are a sicko."  
  
"I am what I am!" she pushed her glasses up her nose defiantly.  
  
"Still, maybe you should call that thing back and…" Aslan tried, feeling sorry for the dirty demon monger despite herself.  
  
"Oops too late!" Krac grinned gleefully, watching the carnage avidly, as a shudder swept through her companion. Aslan turned away from the horrific sight of Willy the snitch being drowned in a viscous pool of dog drool.  
  
"Ewwwwwww!"  
  
As the dog finished, Krac clapped her hands together excitedly and exclaimed. "That's a pretty Zoodle noodle. There's my puppy, there's my puppy!"  
  
"You're actually talking to a hellhound like that?" Aslan retorted grimacing, while quickly moving away from the sodden corpse.  
  
"Why not?" Krac asked as the excited dog hugged her happily. "He's so cute! His face, see how it hangs? It reminds me of my grandmother."  
  
"The one who tried to sacrifice you to Satan or the one who's stalking David Hasselhoff?" The Watcher smirked.  
  
Krac sighed, "Ah, memories of my youth. The joy, the pain, the attempted virgin sacrifices…good thing I took care of that little problem."  
  
"Yes, you definitely took care of that…your black book reads like a who's who of the Otherworld. Are you sure it didn't belong to Heidi Fleiss in a previous life?" Aslan purred.  
  
"At least ONE of us is getting some. The last time you had a man in your bed Caesar was still alive."  
  
"Skank!" Aslan shot back.  
  
"Mais oui!" Krac responded.  
  
"Stop it with the French or I will end you!"  
  
"Sure you will Ma Chère."  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"Pourquoi?"  
  
"STOP IT, PLEASE! No more French! I still have nightmares about our assignment in Montreal. Jean Chretien, Jacques Parizeau, and Lucien Bouchard in Speedo's lounging in a hot tub…Ick! It's enough to turn me off men completely!"  
  
"What, like Debra Grey?" Krac questioned, almost serious for once.  
  
"Ewww! I am a lot of things but I am not, repeat not a Reform party member!" Aslan spat in disgust. "Bloody Westerners! I think all that flat prairie land drove them insane."  
  
"Agreed. And thank god for Bouchard's wooden leg or we wouldn't have had any weapons then either." Krac responded, and shrugged. "So who do we get to kill next?"  
  
"The little blonde Lesbian." Aslan replied pokerfaced.  
  
"Who, Debra Grey? But I don't want to go to Edmonton! And those cigars would bother my allergies!" Krac whined. "It's cold there! I'm allergic to snow! "  
  
Aslan raised an eyebrow at her truculent charge. "But you live in Ontario?"  
  
"Yes, but think about it! Toronto, they call in the military if they get more than ten centimeters!"  
  
"Yes, but no it's not Debra Gay."  
  
"Grey!"  
  
"What? I said that." Aslan replied unwilling to admit to her Freudian slip.  
  
"No, you said 'Gay'." Krac pushed knowing she was right.  
  
"I certainly did not! Don't you think I'd know what I said! Stop putting words in my mouth!"  
  
"I'm not putting anything in your mouth! Stop being so god damned paranoid! If it's not bad enough to be partnered with the most anal- retentive being in the entire galaxy, you have to go and get all paranoid too!" Krac's face turned red as she ranted, "Next thing I know you'll be talking about all the conspiracies the government has set up and making a tinfoil helmet to block out the radio waves the CIA is sending into your brain to track you" she stopped and drew in a breath.  
  
Aslan glared and crossed her arms over her chest. "What! This coming from a girl who won't let her foods touch! Besides, the lone gunman theory was a crock!"  
  
"So! We're CANADIAN…. Technically anyway. Remember, Maple leaf? Red and white, god save the queen and all that bull." Her arms flailed as Krac tried to make her point. "The ones that didn't mind being owned by the British for a couple hundred years? JFK was not in charge of our country, Thank God. So it's none of our business…"  
  
"Right! As much as I'd like to travel down this merry little road of insanity with you we do have a job to do! Muzzle that THING…" Aslan waved a hand at the slobbering hellhound currently trying to hump her leg, "And let's get out of here. It smells!"  
  
"Really? Do you think it might have something to do with the dead body at our feet? Besides the fact that he hadn't washed in…well, months?"  
  
"Yes, you really shouldn't neglect your personal hygiene."  
  
"I'm putting this in our mercy killing books. That man was a menace to public health. I'd have half a mind to complain to the health board but since his clients tended to be on the dead side…I don't think there's any harm done."  
  
Aslan scanned the bar room and as her eyes lay upon the corpse behind the bar, she replied. "That had nothing to do with mercy. Mercy would have been cutting his throat before that thing touched him."  
  
"I'm sensing some hostility here. Are you afraid of my puppy?" Krac questioned.  
  
"It's a Hellhound. Not a dog."  
  
"What part of hound implies that he's not a 'dog'? Besides, he's so cute. Kiss him, kiss his little puppy face." Krac grinned then demonstrated the procedure.  
  
Aslan shuddered. "Oh my god, I'd rather kiss Nate."  
  
Krac grinned. "You are so afraid of him. Tee hee. Aslan's afraid of a dog, Aslan's afraid of a little itty bitty puppy."  
  
"Itty, bitty. You're retarded aren't you? That thing weighs almost as much as you do. But if it means you'll leave me alone…I admit I'm a little afraid of it. I have this thing about acidic saliva I don't touch it, and I don't let it touch me."  
  
"ACIDIC SALIVA?" Krac screamed, jerking away from the hellbeast at her side.  
  
"Ummm…Yeah. That is one of the many reasons they're called hellhounds. If you shut up and get over here maybe I'll tell you the rest of them."  
  
"Wait, I'm immune to acidic saliva…I dated Veggie boy, remember?"  
  
"What haven't you dated? Oh wait, a normal guy… that's it?"  
  
Krac glared. "Shut up, you disneyfied version of femininity!"  
  
Aslan smiled sweetly. "At least I'm not a magnet for bisexual pedophiles who are overly attached to vegetables."  
  
"I do recall we have a Wiccan to pummel. Can we make her beg, I like it when they beg." Krac cried brandishing her rapidly shrinking block of cheese in Aslan's face.  
  
"Whatever you like, let's just go. And keep a muzzle on that mutt."  
  
  
  
Chapter Two: Slayers, Witches and Hicks, Oh my!  
  
Willow sat on Giles' couch sobbing forlornly (Forlornly must be read in a sing-song voice!). The body of her lover Tara had just been found pinned to a carousel with chunks of salami and cheese found in the wounds. Around her the rest of the Scooby gang tried to console the sobbing Wiccan. Except for Spike and Oz who were in the corner watching a Billy Idol special on MTV.  
  
Giles placed a steaming cup of chamomile tea before the sobbing redhead as Buffy came to her side with a cool damp towel and a shoulder to cry on. "You're saying this isn't the first of these type of…occurrences?" Giles asked Riley, a worried frown creasing his forehead.  
  
"Ummm…Yeah."  
  
"Could you be more…Specific?" The Watcher asked losing patience.  
  
"Okay." Riley responded.  
  
Giles could barely hold back a groan. "Explain."  
  
"There were a few others."  
  
However Xander had serious doubts that there ever had been any others- before Buffy at least. He hoped, because this was one gene pool that even Gomer Pyle would not want to see reproduce.  
  
Xander could almost see Giles getting ready to pummel the Poster boy for contraception. "How many others?"  
  
"A few." Riley replied as Xander lost control and laughed out loud.  
  
Standing rather stiffly, the watcher smiled a very awkward combination of grimace and a smile and politely excused himself. He crossed into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. All was silent for a moment. Then a series of loud British curses and banging punctuated the heavy silence.  
  
Even prompting an "I didn't know he knew that one. Way to go Mate." Spike grinned at Riley, and waved a tiny salute. "I knew the stupid git was good for something besides wasting oxygen."  
  
"Ummm…Riley. I think Giles wants a 'specific' number from you as in 'how many' murders. You know if you have three people and I murder two, HOW MANY do you have left? Can you do that without taking off your shoes, Potato boy?" Xander pressed, wondering how anyone could be as dense as Riley.  
  
"That's Idaho." Buffy replied frowning. "And why would he have to take off his shoes?"  
  
Riley stood and began unbuttoning his pants. Xander groaned. "Giles, just stay in the can. Okay, Cromag I'm glad you can dress and undress yourself. That's an important life skill besides learning how to work that tricky opposable thumb thing. But I didn't say it's time to fuck Buffy, although I see how that would confuse you. But we need to know how many murders there were? 'Kay?"  
  
Riley did his impression of a slack jawed yokel, "Why didn't you just ask?"  
  
Xander grimaced. "How many murders were there?"  
  
"Counting this one?"  
  
"YES!" Xander, Oz and Spike screamed in unison.  
  
"Six. Four from the initiative, Willy the Snitch and now Tara."  
  
Xander nodded. Stood up and crossed to the bathroom. Suddenly Rupert Giles was tumbling out of the small space and the door was slammed shut behind Xander. Then a string of very American cursing issued forth followed by the tinkling of broken glass.  
  
"He's better than you are mate, a real sailor 'e is." Spike grinned at Giles, listening attentively. "Even I didn't know that one."  
  
Giles nodded. Then turned to the Slayer and her cohorts. "So, six you say." Giles questioned pleasantly.  
  
A loud knocking on the door then interrupted them.  
  
"What?" Riley asked looking around confused.  
  
"It's the door, honey. It's okay." Buffy replied patting his knee gently.  
  
Giles crossed to the front door opening it just as Xander returned from the bathroom. On the step stood two women, one carrying a chunk of salami while the other held a grotesquely twisted sex object.  
  
"Is this your Swedish penis enlarger, that fell down and hit me on the head or is it somebody else's?" The dark haired woman asked with an authoritative tone.  
  
"Umm…eeer…umm…" Giles stammered.  
  
"Uh, yeah." Xander replied. "It's his. Sorry about that G-man, I figured you wouldn't miss that."  
  
"Hellllllllllllloooo Nurse." The brown haired girl exclaimed eyeing Xander appreciatively.  
  
"That's what I get for letting you watch Animaniacs, roll up your tongue damn it, you're embarrassing me." The blue haired elf then turned to Xander and smiled prettily, "I'm Krac, and this is Aslan, You would be Sexy…I mean hot, umm…who?"  
  
Xander grinned enjoying the attention for once and extended his hand to the short blue haired girl. "I'm Xander."  
  
When she had shaken his hand, lingering a little, she elbowed her companion…Whispering "He's just a human, he won't bite unless you want him to. Shake hands damn it!" Xander grinned and took the other girl's hand kissing it gallantly and pulling her into the apartment. The blue haired girl followed without invitation pulling a leash with a very large dog attached to it.  
  
Aslan stammered. "Humina humina humina humina…"  
  
"Aslan!" Krac shouted.  
  
"I accept this award and am pleased to be crowned Miss America…"  
  
Krac groaned, "Aslan! First you're not even American, and second why would you want to participate in that misogynistic, meat mongering parade of silicone...Oh speaking of silicone, hello, Muffy."  
  
"Do I know you?" Buffy asked confused yet again that they knew her nickname.  
  
"Did I say you could bring that thing in here?" Giles cried pointing to the dog. "Did I even invite you in?"  
  
Without thought Krac launched defensively, "Well… Aslan comes with me everywhere but I guess it is your house, I'm sorry Aslan you'll just have to wait outside?"  
  
"I think he meant Zeus. " Then Aslan turned to Giles. "You did mean the dog right?"  
  
"…Umm yes. Quite." He began to rub his temples.  
  
Kneeling, Krac hugged the dog tightly, "No…he couldn't mean my little Zoodle, my pretty puppy. Besides I let him loose during the full moon a couple of days ago and he ended up screwing this Male werewolf. I bet that guy was sore when he woke up the next day."  
  
Everyone turned as a loud "Eeeep!" came from the couch.  
  
"Was it any good?" Spike asked the blushing werewolf.  
  
"Hellllllllooo Nurse!" Krac cried as she saw the vampire and the Werewolf reclining on the couch.  
  
"What did you just say?" Aslan asked coldly, eyeing her partner.  
  
"Shut up! Filter remember…I don't have one?"  
  
"That excuse is getting so old."  
  
"Wait!" Giles cried. "Who are you, how do you know Muffy, I mean Buffy and what are you doing here? And get that goddamn dog out of here!" Giles cried as the dog lifted a leg and began to pee.  
  
"Fire in the hole!" Aslan cried. "Hellhound bodily fluids can be extremely acidic. Ouch that's gonna leave a mark. Sorry about that." She replied as she waved a hand at the liquid already burning through Giles hardwood floors. "Take him outside and tie that monster up Krac."  
  
"But…"  
  
"No it's okay, I'll take him." Oz replied. "We have some unfinished business to attend to."  
  
"It was good wasn't it?" Spike grinned, winking.  
  
Krac gulped. "Ummm…"  
  
Aslan grinned and threw the leash to the young man. "Go to it, Wolfie!"  
  
"Don't hurt him…" Krac cried as Aslan pulled her away from the exit so they could pass.  
  
1.1  
  
1.2 Chapter Three: It's raining men  
  
"If you really expect us to believe you're supernatural beings sent here to right wrongs in Sunnydale, you gotta be smokin' a whole lot of that wacky tobaccy." Buffy exclaimed in disbelief.  
  
"Not since last Thursday…I mean…Damn it! I am not a pothead." Krac exclaimed in self-defense.  
  
Aslan smiled and explained. "No filter… The PTB took away the filter between her brain and her mouth because she posted nude photos of Richard Simmons on the net. Plus there was that time she made him god for a day with a stupid spell…Thank god no one can remember that. Ughh…The sequins, the sweat …The horror."  
  
"I was bored!" the center of attention sulked.  
  
"Now you're stupid…which is worse?"  
  
Spike wagged an eyebrow at the blue haired girl, "A woman who likes chaos…That's my kinda woman!"  
  
"Really? You like chaos huh? Who do you think is responsible for David Haselhoff's popularity in Germany? Or the Spice Girls, and Pokemon? That's all me!" Aslan added quickly.  
  
Krac snorted, "Right, who did Rosie O'Donnell sell her soul to for a tickle me Elmo? Not you!"  
  
"Please…I didn't want her soul. That saccharine, self-righteous psychopath? Ewwww…She sings show tunes…Ick."  
  
"It's all a part of my plan…You'll see." She templed her hands à la Mr. Burns.  
  
Aslan laughed out loud, "Please, you're the fluffy pink bunny slippers of evil. No bite, and all fluffy pink and sweet."  
  
"Hey, at least I don't like Bon Jovi!" her partner in crime flashed, bringing up their centuries old argument about musical style.  
  
"BITCH! I will end you!" Aslan hopped up ready to defend Bon Jovi to the death.  
  
Krac remained in her seat, "Go ahead and try. We're both immortal, moron!"  
  
"Right…I'm sorry." Aslan smiled turning her gaze to Xander. "Let's make love not war."  
  
"Mmm…hmm…My body is a temple! Which one of you boys wants to kneel down and worship? Oh my, I said that outloud, didn't I? Damn it! Anyway where were we?" Krac leveled her eyes at both Xander and Spike, but mostly at Spike.  
  
"Apparently you Queen slut…" Buffy indicated Aslan with a wave of her hand "And Nut job over there are and I quote… 'Supernatural beings'…. Who are busy murdering innocent townsfolk and wasting my valuable time."?  
  
Aslan reddened, "What did you call me, you necrophilial crackwhore? Because you must be on drugs! If anyone here is a slut it would be either you or Krac."  
  
"Wait…Yeah, shit. But even I have my limits. Like not the dead…My conquests tend to have a pulse or at least a personality. Vampires…Ick. Although I am open to new possibilities." Krac made a face.  
  
"Yeah, expanding your horizons is a very good thing. It's a must actually." Aslan grinned looking at Spike. She blushed fiercely when he winked back at her.  
  
"Are you evil…?" Riley asked confused.  
  
"No bonehead." Krac nearly shouted, "We work for the PTB. Basically we fix up any mistakes in the system of life by eradicating them. It's kind of like Social Darwinism…Stop me if the words get too big. Culling the weak, stupid and those generally destined to fuck everything up severely, before things get a chance to be fucked with. I.e. the Initiative. You created a human-demon hybrid and set it loose…Bravo!" she clapped her hands together.  
  
"Is that French?" Aslan queried distrustfully.  
  
"Aslan let me finish. I'm talking coherently with no filter, this is a milestone, okay? Besides I never interrupt you in the middle of a good rant so back off!"  
  
" 'Kay, Sorry. Continue. You're doing really well by the way."  
  
"Thank you! I've been practicing in front of the two-way mirrors in Nate's room."  
  
"Two-way mirror…Oops! Don't ask."  
  
The Scoobies stared as the dialogue continued. Krac took a breath and began again, "Then we have Willy the Snitch…What a fine specimen of humanity he was, and then the Witch…"  
  
Willow erupted into howling as her now former girlfriend was mentioned. Everyone glanced at her then returned their eyes to the two strangers in front of them.  
  
"Demon." Aslan confided in a singsong voice.  
  
"Yeah, with those bug-eyes what did you expect?"  
  
"Who would have known the only way to kill it was with Salami?"  
  
"She was a Vegan!" Willow screamed.  
  
"What! You get no sympathy from me…I'm a vegetarian and that doesn't stop them from putting PORK in my mouth. PORK!" Disgust flared in the younger immortal's face.  
  
"Krac, shut up about the pork! You're giving all the pigs complexes."  
  
"I'm sure Fluffy and Riley don't mind." She shrugged knowing the blond-duo wouldn't get her joke.  
  
"Well…Ummm…Okay, Is your work here completed then?" Giles asked.  
  
"Not quite, foxy. Still two more to go…" Aslan replied, as Giles blushed profusely grinning like an idiot.  
  
"Well…" Krac grinned evilly, "We were hoping on saving some time by not having to track them down separately, and we hoped you could convince them to resign themselves to their fate…because anything else is bound to be very unpleasant for them…and you."  
  
"Plus we ran out of Salami."  
  
Buffy puffed up self-righteously, "Okay Psycho-hose-beast. I'll bite. Besides Xander, who are you here for? Anya? Spike? Parker…? Let me tell you, you don't set one finger on Xander or I'll rip them off! Capice?"  
  
"Hey! Why me?" Xander was hurt.  
  
"Aww…My fingers weren't the only things I was planning on putting on him! Ouch! Oops, I said that out loud didn't I?" Krac winked at the now blushing young man.  
  
"Yes! How dare you! He's mine!" Aslan pinched her leg again.  
  
"Okay, I get the one without a pulse then!" Krac exclaimed.  
  
"You do, do you? I didn't agree to that."  
  
The vampire started, "Ladies, ladies…There is more than enough of me to go around. Sharing is a bloody wonderful thing."  
  
Aslan pointed to her partner in disgust. "Not with her it isn't. It'll be just like that bow and arrow from Athena…Remember the one that never missed its target? She takes it…first of course, then breaks it and hides it on me…Then tells me I'm just being paranoid when I ask what happened to it. She actually convinced me I broke it myself, then blacked out and blamed it all on her."  
  
A polite cough interrupted their discussion. "Excuse me...but I'm yours?"  
  
Xander asked.  
  
"What do you have a problem with that?" Aslan retorted challengingly.  
  
"No…not at all…Just surprised." Xander grinned.  
  
"You can have the Librarian too, but I want the wolf." Krac offered.  
  
"What…Umm…errrr…" Giles spluttered.  
  
"Of course he's mine. As if…You don't even know what a book looks like, let alone what to do with one…or a librarian. Besides he'd give Sean Connery a run for his money in the mature hottie category!"  
  
"Okay it's settled then." They shook hands to the disbelief of the Scoobies.  
  
"What about me?" Riley asked, "Who wants me?"  
  
"Ummm…God? God loves everybody…Right?" Aslan asked looking at Krac, hopefully.  
  
"It depends on what religion you are of course." She began thoughtfully, "The Catholic god hates everyone. Then there's Buddha and lord Shiva and then you get into the freaky stuff, like Satan. Nice guy, he got a bum wrap. Makes you think god really does have a better press agent than he does. I mean Sodom and Gomorrah and the ten plagues…When the big G does something it's 'her will' when Lucifer does something it's 'Evil'. I ask you how can Rock 'n' roll, and Elvis be considered evil? It defies reality."  
  
Aslan sighed knowing a can of worms had been opened, "Never ask her about Religion or Politics…She gets started but can't stop."  
  
"Shut up you Catholic, guilt-mongering Tory! You'd lick Mike Harris's golf cleats if he asked."  
  
"Shut-up, I would not!"  
  
"Yeah, right!"  
  
"I voted Liberal in the last election!"  
  
"Yeah, that's really something to be proud of. Tu t'appelles Moron!"  
  
Before Aslan could respond Giles stepped in between the two. "That is enough of that! You are forbidden to speak French until this explanation is over and you…well…Ummm…please sit down. You may end her afterwards, okay."  
  
"She would if she could but she can't! Na na nana! I'm Immortal…she's immortal. No ending in sight. Tee hee!" Krac danced around laughing uncontrollably.  
  
"Shut it, Krac! Where were we anyway?"  
  
"The killing of the innocents…by you, remember? Murderers!" Buffy spat.  
  
"Bitch!" Aslan stated turning to her companion.  
  
Krac frowned, "Yeah, She's a lot worse in person…You'd think Whistler would have warned us."  
  
"Whistler, not exactly candid with you? What a surprise! He's still pissed about how you dumped him for that cross-dresser St. Paul."  
  
"Ooh, right. Oopsie! Remind me to get on his good side again when we get back."  
  
"Enough of the sex talk!" Aslan held up a hand.  
  
"You dirty minded whore! I was just going to send him some chocolates or liquor. What were you thinking? I don't use sex as a solution to everything, do I?"  
  
"Nevermind. Explanation, now!"  
  
Blinking her thoughts back together Krac began yet again, "Ah, yes mass slaughter…and why we're here. Surprisingly, Huffy you're right. Sharp as a rusty spoon, way to go! Yes, Puffy. The last two intended victims are indeed in this room. But Xander is not one of them. I'll give you a hint it's YOU and RILEY. Now, Care to take a guess at who it is? If it's too much strain you can ask Regis for a lifeline or lay down for a minute. We have all the time in the world. Oh and Willow, don't go anywhere, Kay?"  
  
"So who's taking me? You or the brunette?" Riley asked with a dumb smile. His eyes were as vacant as the main street of Tweed after six.  
  
Krac laughed maniacally. "Aslan? Do you want to take Riley, while I handle the Slayer? You know I can't stand the smell of steroids in the morning."  
  
"It's not morning? Is it?" Riley mumbled.  
  
"You can't kill me I'm the Slayer!" Buffy piped up horrified.  
  
"Yes, actually we can. Another one is already waiting in the wings. And besides, aren't you the slayer responsible for shagging Angelus, thereby negating his soul and almost plunging the world into hell and all because of your little problem."  
  
"What problem? The necrophilia, the cowardice or the inability to see the man of her dreams when he's standing right in front of her?" Aslan asked cattily.  
  
"All of the above actually." Krac leveled her eyes on the Slayer.  
  
"Cowardice? I'm not a coward- I'm the Slayer!"  
  
"Huh, just how long were you planning on letting Angelus wreak havoc in the world, until he killed you or everybody you loved?" Krac's eyebrow rose once more.  
  
"But I did do it!"  
  
"You did it to save your own ass! If Xander hadn't told you what he did you would have let the whole world go to hell in a handbasket for your lust. By the way you were never properly thanked for that were you Xander? Remind me to do something about that later." Aslan replied grinning.  
  
"What did he tell me?"  
  
"Well, it's more like what he didn't tell you. Like that Willow was attempting to return Angel's soul." Krac replied.  
  
"What! You bastard…" Buffy screamed as she threw herself towards Xander. Her scream was cut off as a hand darted out breaking her nose and stopping all speech as well as her momentum. The Slayer hit the ground hard.  
  
Aslan grinned. "I've always wanted to do that. Puffy, if you refuse to play nice with my toys, I'm going to have to give you a time out! What part of 'Xander is mine' don't you understand? You're causing me to rethink letting Krac kill you. I mean she deserves it and all…but I would so enjoy beating you to a pulp right now that, well I just don't know what to do."  
  
"Aslan…Please? Focus…we're losing focus!" Krac pleaded.  
  
"Right focus. Everyone who is not about to be beaten to death please exit to the bathroom. But Willow, stay close we need to have a little talk." Aslan made shooing motions with her hands.  
  
Chapter Four: Have a heart  
  
The two immortals faced down Buffy and the no-necked wonder as Spike ushered the remaining members of the Scooby gang into the bathroom, before turning back and giving the two immortals a thumbs up sign and a wink.  
  
"Play nice, girls don't do anything I wouldn't do." He smiled at them, "Ah what the hell do I care? Be creative."  
  
Seeing an opportunity in the distraction Buffy hurtled herself at Krac, only to have the Immortal's hand connect with her nose again. "I'm sorry, Muffy…Did I hit your boo boo? I'd say sorry but I'm not."  
  
Buffy sat on her hands and knees gaping like a fish. "What no sarcasm, no bitchy comeback? Someone's losing their edge; it's time someone put you out of our misery. I thought this was going to be a challenge, I'm not usually wrong…But oh well." The Immortal shrugged, then quickly, deftly snapped the Slayer's neck. "No muss, no fuss." Clapping sounded as Krac backed away from the Slayer's body.  
  
"I'd give that a 9.5, I haven't seen you snap a neck so cleanly since the day you found out Elvis impersonators weren't actually Elvis."  
  
"What can I say? I was in the zone."  
  
Riley continued to gape. "Buffy…?"  
  
"I don't think she can hear you anymore. Well, I guess it's time to find out WHAT a Yoda is and just how exactly it's launched, huh? Hold still Riley, I'll be killing you in a moment." Aslan reached into her pack and pulled out the mysterious two-foot tube she had rescued from their very meager supplies. "It even comes with instructions!"  
  
"Yay! That's always good. Are they in English?" Krac asked getting ready to enjoy the action.  
  
The brunette stared at the folded piece of paper and then swore under her breath in disgust. "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"  
  
"What?" Riley asked in surprise, wondering if that was possible.  
  
"They're in French." Aslan stated glaring at her comrade.  
  
"Ooh, give it here!" Krac grinned laughing.  
  
Aslan quickly handed over the instructions clearly happy to be rid of it. Krac advanced impishly. "They're in French…Haha haha!"  
  
"Funny. So…What's it say?"  
  
"Place on shoulder, point and shoot. Kind of like a camera."  
  
"Oh, okay." Aslan proceeded to do as she was told pointing one end of the tube at Riley, but just as she was about to fire the redneck coughed. "You're pointing that the wrong way."  
  
Aslan looked at Krac who had taken a seat on Giles couch to watch the oncoming carnage. "Is that right?"  
  
"Yep. He may not know, up from down or left from right, but yeah. God bless the American armed forces."  
  
"Okay. Great! Thank you so much, Riley. I know we may seem rather… flip, but your cooperation has really made this whole operation run a lot more smoothly and we really appreciate that."  
  
"Well, my Momma always taught us to be polite."  
  
"Us? Well it seems we'll have to personally thank your Momma later, then."  
  
"Thank, means kill right?" Krac asked confused.  
  
"Well, maybe not kill…But we can't have these things running around willy- nilly…We need to know how many, and whether they have or can reproduce…Then the PTB will look at each case and we'll follow whatever directives they give us." Aslan answered back.  
  
"So…?" the impossibly blue eyes rolled.  
  
"So…Yes, probably." Aslan replied glowering at her companion. "Don't talk while I'm working, ok? I need to concentrate!" Aslan turned to smile winningly at Riley and then repositioned the weapon; shooting the minute she had it in place.  
  
The noise almost drowned out coherent thought, as everyone stared in shock at what happened next. A small gray rat sized dog erupted forth from the tube and attached itself to Riley's chest with its little jaws. The redneck stared down in shock.  
  
"Aw, aren't you a cute little fellar. What's your name?" Riley drawled moving a hand to pet the rat-like dog.  
  
Before either immortal could answer the tiny dog had plunged through Riley's chest cavity and was devouring his heart whole. With a gurgle Riley slid lifelessly to the floor. The little dog emerged from his body and ran to Aslan who scooped it up merrily.  
  
"Aw, what a cute little baby. Yoda, were you hungry! Those bad men weren't feeding you right, were they? No they weren't. I hope you're not going to be sick. All those steroids can't be good for such a little doggie."  
  
Yoda responded with a contented burp.  
  
"Poor baby!" Aslan cried as she held the sticky dog to her chest. "We're going to have to clean you up…Who knows what kind of parasites were living in him."  
  
"You 're insane, aren't you? Did you see what he just did? Did you? It ate through a man's chest as if it were nothing. And you're getting all cutesy with it? When for the last three days you've been treating Zeus like he's a leper because he slobbered all over some ratty barkeeper? Puleeze! It's a size thing isn't it? You're discriminating against Zeus because he's big! That is so wrong and it is not cuter than Zeus…" Krac pouted.  
  
"No, I'm discriminating against Zeus because he's ugly….And he has a drool problem." Aslan responded coldly looking at her partner as the tiny dog cuddled up against her chest. "Baby needs washed…he's all bloody."  
  
"Yeah, the blood and gore really brings out the color in his eyes!" Krac quipped.  
  
1.3 Chapter Five: Exorcising Care Bears  
  
"Do you think the Watcher would mind if I washed Yoda in his sink, or what? Ah, who cares the Watcher's mine anyway…" Aslan continued as she tested the water temperature and began the process of cleaning the gore from the miniscule dog…or rat…It was hard to tell which.  
  
"Aaaaggghhh!" Willow cried out in horror. "Buffy…Riley…Oh my god is that a rat? Kill it… kill it?"  
  
"See, that's why you get to live…A willingness to agree with me is always appreciated…By me at least." Krac grinned.  
  
"But…What…Why…Killing?" The redhead stammered.  
  
"They incurred the wrath of the PTB, If they had been allowed to continue on this path they would have married and settled in suburbia and reproduced and one of those children would have grown up to be the antichrist…bringing about the end of the world." Krac began to chew on her fingernail with bored indifference.  
  
"Yeah, all because she was TOO stupid to see the real Prince Charming instead of just fucking the frogs." Aslan grated.  
  
"What is this Xander fetish of yours? Why didn't I see it before? Okay so he has a great ass, warm chocolately brown eyes you could melt into, and strong arms …not to mention the lips…Did I mention he has a great ass? Oh whoa we're getting off track now…What track were we on anyway; I can't seem to remember. Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Krac queried unsteadily fanning herself.  
  
Aslan wiped at some soap on her hand and put on a serious face, "Willow, we have come here to exorcise you of your cuteness. Unless you want to become a vapid ho like Muffy…you will burn all your fuzzy pink sweaters…"  
  
"Actually anything pink in your wardrobe, all your overalls…Damn girl just burn it all, then douse it all with holy water to make sure it's doesn't get back up and bite you in the ass." Krac pushed, grimacing. "Pink, ugh!"  
  
"But, who should I be then?"  
  
"Try to grow a fucking backbone for starters!" Aslan cried in disgust.  
  
Smiling Krac started to play good immortal to Aslan's bad, "Remember when you were pretending to be the vampire you? How free and alive you felt? That's how you're supposed to be minus the murderous fiend part. All dark humor, cynicism and sarcasm. In short Aslan with a better taste in music!"  
  
Aslan glared murderously. "Remember who's holding the hellhound now, Skank! I may not be able to end you, but imagine an eternity with a hole the size of a bowling ball in your torso!"  
  
"My hellhound could eat your hellhound in one gulp and still have room for dessert!"  
  
"Hey! We're talking about me here aren't we?" Willow whined.  
  
"Needy, aren't you?" Krac replied. "I wish some supernatural being had been around to tell me when I was in danger of messing everything up! I wouldn't be here now would I?"  
  
Aslan coughed almost choking.  
  
"What?" Krac asked.  
  
"Umm…Nothing." Aslan replied blushing.  
  
"Not nothing, what?"  
  
"Well remember our conversation earlier about you never listening to me? I warned you when you were playing with the buttons on Atlantis…"  
  
"That was you?"  
  
"Yeah…"  
  
"That's what they get for making you appear as my mother…I listened to her even less than I listen to you."  
  
"Well, isn't that special. I mean what's one lost continent and all compared to a lifetime with you! Thank you so much!"  
  
"What you make it sound like it's my fault?" Krac cried injured.  
  
"Umm…Can I go now, I'm late for a bonfire." Willow asked timidly.  
  
"Hell yeah!" Aslan grinned in approval.  
  
A sense of contentment stole over the Immortals as they watched her scuttle out he door.  
  
  
  
1.4 Chapter Six: Broken limbs and loose ends  
  
Aslan continued to fuss over Yoda for several minutes. "Hey, Blondie bring your fine undead ass back out here!" Krac yelled, interrupting the uneasy silence around them.  
  
"Can we come out too?" Giles yelled as Spike walked out of the bathroom and stepped over the carcasses on the floor throwing an arm around each girl.  
  
"Did I ever tell you girls that you're the best supernatural beings ever, and one good turn deserves another…How about getting this implant outta my head?" He snuggled closer to them.  
  
"What Implant?" Aslan asked confused.  
  
"What, then why can't I 'grr'? You know?" The vampire asked angrily.  
  
"Well that happens with some men as they age…But we can work on it if you want? There's a nice walking asshole at home for you and a Nate too…You can beat them both." Krac offered.  
  
"Umm…. Will you girls be watching?"  
  
"Will you be wearing a Speedo?" Krac questioned, eyeing the blonde seductively.  
  
"I think that can be arranged." Spike purred.  
  
"Only one condition…No biting the other pets." Krac wormed her way into his arms and smiled mock seriously.  
  
"Krac, you shouldn't call them 'pets' that's so demeaning." Aslan protested.  
  
"Puleeze, for how many centuries have men demeaned women? It's time for a little payback. I say we get them little playboy bunny outfits. Speaking of which where are they?" She took her gaze from Spike long enough to look about for Xander and Giles.  
  
"Oh, they're staring at the dead, luvs…Aw, they're all pale and shaky…Someone go grab a camera." He rubbed his hands gleefully.  
  
"You killed my Slayer?" Giles cried, anguished.  
  
"Yeah, remember we already talked about it. What? Did you think we were joking?" Krac questioned disdainfully. Then turned to Aslan. "See that's why I've never gotten along with a teacher…They never believe anything I say."  
  
"BUFFY?" Xander cried in shock.  
  
"I think that's where that saying 'so smart they're stupid' comes from. It's not their fault." Aslan replied ignoring the two men and the dead guy wrapped around her.  
  
"Yeah! They think they know everything so they're completely unprepared for anything that contradicts them."  
  
"Yup! And you contradict everything." Aslan consoled her friend cheerfully.  
  
"EXACTLY! I am a walking talking contradiction! See that's why I gave the librarian to you…I'd probably end up killing him. He's much safer with you." Krac finished.  
  
"YOU…KILLED…MY…SLAYER." Giles shrieked, making some interesting new hand motions as he moved further into the room.  
  
"Yes. We already covered that. Do you have anything new to say?" the blue eyes wandered back to the leather clad body of Spike.  
  
"I…errr…I...Ummm…"  
  
"Spit it out Watcher! C'mon, Tweed boy say what's on your mind!" Krac rounded on the Watcher.  
  
"You broke my Slayer! They'll never give me another one now!" he sounded like a small child.  
  
Resignedly Krac pointed out the obvious, "Umm…You don't work for the council anymore anyway remember? Besides we did the world a favor, Muffy was bad news…Let's just say the next antichrist was coming from Iowa via her womb. Her death would've been a lot messier that way believe me."  
  
Spike was rubbing his hands gleefully. "Ahhh, Murder, mayhem, chaos…makes me feel like a real man again!"  
  
"Is that all? Why can't all men be that easy to please?" Krac's eyes rolled Heavenwards.  
  
"Don't go getting all excited Deadboy, this was to stop chaos not start it! There's a difference you know!" Aslan admonished. She was the eternal voice of reason but with Krac around that wasn't hard.  
  
All of a sudden laughter interrupted everything. "Is he hysterical?" Krac asked fearfully looking at Xander who was holding his sides and shaking with mirth over Buffy's body.  
  
Concern touched Aslan's gentle features, "I don't know? Xander?"  
  
"Oz and the hellhound! It was Oz!" The young man gasped.  
  
Krac grinned, "He's a quick one, Aslan. I hope he has other more redeeming qualities…What size are your shoes?"  
  
"What? I am quick god damn it, If you haven't noticed I'm under a little bit of stress, ok? You just killed my friends." He retorted.  
  
"Were they really your friends? I'm sorry but it didn't look that way to me." Aslan stated tentatively.  
  
Xander sighed. "Is Willow alive?"  
  
"Oh, yeah! She's gone on a quest."  
  
"A quest?"  
  
"Yes, looking for her spine…Or backbone, or mojo…Whatever you people want to call it." Krac waved a hand.  
  
"And we're still going with you?" Xander asked hopefully.  
  
"Oh yeah! We followed this assignment to the letter; we're due for a reward. Once Oz comes back with my puppy we can be on our way."  
  
"Yes, whatever can be taking them so long?" Aslan grinned, "I think Puppy's getting some payback!"  
  
"What is it with me and bisexuals?" Krac cried.  
  
Then Krac turned her attention to the blonde vampire. "Don't even say it, Ducks!"  
  
Aslan noticed the concern on Krac's face, "It's okay Krac, he's attracted to me too, I think he's safe…Although…I'm not normally a freak magnet, but I have been hanging around with you a lot…That stuff doesn't rub off does it?"  
  
"You date one guy who talks to produce and it never ends!" Krac waved her hands as if to defend herself to Giles and Xander.  
  
"Well…Why'd you tell me then?"  
  
"Well, I couldn't really avoid it when you were standing next to him while he conversed with a cabbage!"  
  
"I thought he was just talking to himself…Until he started touching it…Eww…Nevermind." Aslan shuddered remembering that day in the Tweed IGA.  
  
"Oh my god, finally! Someone with worse taste than me!" Xander exclaimed in triumph…And relief.  
  
Aslan grinned. "That's not even the half of it! When we get home, I'll tell you some of Krac's dating stories that will curl your hair."  
  
Giles' front door erupted inward and in bounded Zeus the hellhound dragging Oz behind…who was still fighting valiantly to control the leash.  
  
"There's a good puppy, you came back to Mama! Sorry about not telling you he likes to pull, I forgot!" Krac exclaimed.  
  
"S'okay." Oz panted ignoring the bodies on the ground.  
  
Spike grinned evilly, and patted the werewolf's back. "Was it just as good the second time around Mate?"  
  
"He is Bi." Aslan replied grinning "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"  
  
"Is that really a problem for you ladies?" Spike winked lasciviously.  
  
"No, of course not…" Aslan replied.  
  
"All right, can we not dwell on this please! Let's just pack up the car and head for LA!" Krac squeaked.  
  
"LA, what's in LA?" Giles asked.  
  
"The other half of the dynamic necrophilial duo." Krac grinned wolfishly.  
  
"Angel?" Xander responded, surprised.  
  
"Yes, we've decided to take up the plea of hair gel everywhere and destroy the great poofy one." She patted Zeus.  
  
Spike laughed. "You're kidding me right?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"Did I mention how much I really, really love you girls?" Inventive ways of killing his sire were already running through his mind.  
  
"Yes, but we never get tired of hearing it." Krac traced her finger down the side of his face.  
  
"Let's go everybody in the car now!" Spike yelled excitedly. Shepherding everyone towards the car.  
  
"But…but..." Giles stuttered.  
  
"Giles, did I tell you how much I like books? I really, really like books…big books, books in Latin and very, very old texts. I have one of the biggest, dustiest, most arcane libraries in the world…And you'll have full access to it…Among other more stimulating occupations to keep your hands occupied, if you come with me, no questions asked." Aslan purred, straightening the Watcher's collar gently.  
  
"…Umm…okay." Giles replied with a dopey smile lighting his handsome face.  
  
Krac laughed and slapped the Watcher on the behind! "Okay, Tweedboy get a move on the gravy train's pulling out, now!"  
  
"Am I coming too?" Oz asked as everyone else began to ready himself or herself to leave.  
  
"Uh, I hope so we're taking your van, Wolfie." Aslan grinned.  
  
Krac slid an arm around the guitarist's waist; "Oh yeah baby, I even have a dog collar to match Zeus' for you…for that time of the month. Did I ever mention how much I like men who don't talk…To anything?" Krac giggled.  
  
1.5 Epilogue: Off to kill the poof  
  
Two hours later the four remaining members of the Scooby gang piled into Oz's van with two supernatural beings and two hounds from hell. The cheery group sang a medley of showtunes and Bon Jovi as they drove off into the sunset. Spike grabbed the wheel from Oz as they were leaving the Town, and the van rolled over the sign proclaiming to the world 'Welcome Sunnydale.'"  
  
Krac laughed as Aslan tried desperately to avoid Zeus's tongue…that seemed disproportionately long to his body as the hellhound tried to lick everything within the confines of the van. And to think there was only fifty more miles to LA, and the next adventure. 


End file.
